Human beings rarely see reality directly.
We see through lenses — stories we already believe, frameworks that organise complexity, expectations about how the world works. These lenses are useful. Without them, the world would be overwhelming. But they also come with a cost. Although they help us notice some things quickly, they also make other things surprisingly hard to see.
As you know, I've been speaking on the topic of men in recent years and the blindspot that society has when talking about them. One place this dynamic shows up clearly is in how society understands domestic abuse and sexual violence.
There is a powerful narrative around domestic abuse and sexual violence: men are typically the perpetrators and women the victims. There is a partial truth to this. Women are more likely to experience severe injury and repeat victimisation in abusive relationships.
However, when we step back and look carefully at the data, the reality is quite different to expectations.
What the data actually shows.
The most authoritative dataset in the UK is the Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW), published by the Office for National Statistics (ONS).
The most recent estimates suggest:
- 1.7 million people experienced domestic abuse in the last year
- c. 1 million women
- c. 699,000 men
That means around 40% of domestic abuse victims are male.
A similar pattern appears in U.S. data. The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), conducted by the CDC, shows on the topic of lifetime physical intimate partner violence:
- Women: about 1 in 4 (≈25%)
- Men: about 1 in 7 (≈14%)
However, the picture shifts when sexual victimisation categories are expanded. The CDC distinguishes between rape and “made to penetrate.”
Looking at incidents across a 12-month period, the data actually shows that annual rates are the same:
- Women raped: ~1.2%
- Men made to penetrate: ~1.2%
The list goes on. One large international study led by Murray Straus examined dating violence among roughly 13,000 students across 32 countries. Reported victimisation rates were very similar:
• Men: 31%
• Women: 33%
A meta-analysis by John Archer examining 343 studies found slightly higher rates of physical partner violence perpetration among women than men. That women were more likely to be physically violent to their partners than men.
These findings remain debated, particularly around severity and context, but here's the bottom line.
Male victimisation is not rare. It is comparable, if not equal, to female victimisation.
Does this surprise you? You're not alone. Public understanding doesn't currently reflect reality.
So why this happening?
Part of the answer lies in perception.
When a narrative becomes culturally dominant, it shapes what we expect to see. We expect male aggression and therefore notice it quickly. We expect male privilege and resilience, and cannot see vulnerability.
The same mechanism shows up in coaching
This dynamic is not limited to large social issues. It is a very human one. In coaching we see it constantly.
A client believes they are a failure, so they notice every mistake and overlook their strengths. Another believes they must always stay in control, so they miss signals from their body telling them they are exhausted. Another believes relationships are unsafe, so neutral behaviour starts to look like threat.
Coaching works by shifting the lens. Not by forcing a new belief, but by helping someone notice what their current perspective filters out.
When the lens changes, new information becomes visible. Often the external situation has not changed at all, only the way it is seen.
The discussion about men’s issues can benefit from the same humility.
If we assume the story is already fully understood, we stop looking carefully. But if we recognise that our lenses filter reality, we become open to evidence that complicates the picture.
The goal is not to replace one narrative with another. It is to ask:
What lens might be currently filtering our reality?