Coach Joey Ra

On Internalised Misandry

Fri, 27 Mar 2026 01:42:42 -0700

An Inherited Story About Men

For a long time, I believed a certain story about men.

Men were dangerous. Men oppressed women. Men were responsible for most violence, most wars, most harm. Women, by contrast, were framed as the corrective: more ethical, more relational, closer to whatever the world needed in order to heal.

I don't remember being explicitly taught this. That's part of what made it powerful. It arrived subtly and indirectly, through school, news, films, and later social media. It became the water I swam in.

Domestic violence is one of the clearest examples. It was almost always framed as male-on-female. Sometimes statistics were mentioned, sometimes they weren't, but the structure never changed. Men were perpetrators. Women were victims. Anything that didn't fit was treated as marginal or out of the ordinary.

It happened elsewhere too. Corporate leadership failures were discussed as a problem of men, rather than a problem of power. War was explained as male aggression, rather than political systems and incentives. Environmental destruction, economic inequality, institutional abuse. Again and again, "men" became the explanation for the problem, and "more women leadership" the solution.

I didn’t question it. I accepted it as fact. I thought that was what being informed and being progressive looked like. Over time, it became...Read More

The Manosphere Isn’t the Problem. It’s a Symptom

Wed, 18 Mar 2026 21:50:08 -0700

Theroux’s documentary Inside the Manosphere was released the other day, and I was left disappointed.

It focuses on the wrong thing. Theroux highlights how bad the manosphere and the “red-pill” movement is, and how its leaders are exploiting young men. That part is true. But that’s all it points to. It never really asks why millions of young men resonate with the message.

They’re not getting pulled in because they’re stupid, and they’re not getting “pilled” because masculinity is inherently toxic and this somehow proves it. That explanation is missing the point.

We’ve seen this before. The same lack of understanding, the same moral high-grounding, the same echo-chamber thinking that had people blindsided by Brexit and then blindsided again by Trump. Twice.

When large groups of people move in a certain direction and the response is confusion or dismissal, it usually means something real is being missed.

The reason the manosphere is attracting young men is because something in what they’re saying matches their experience and reality. For a lot of young men, there is very little space where their experience is actually named without being immediately reframed or corrected.

The manosphere is one of the only places that actually validates the challenges they feel. It says: “Being a man is hard. No one cares about you. No one is coming to save you. You have to toughen up… and here’s how.”

Life often feels like that for young men. That message is not entirely wrong either.

The manosphere also offers a clear picture of what it means to be a man. It is one of the only places in society that clearly says being a man is good. And right now, that’s rare.

In the modern age, there is a lack of clarity around what it means to be a man. We are no longer (and can no longer) be defined purely as breadwinners, in an age where women are in the...Read More

The Lens Problem

Wed, 11 Mar 2026 02:00:33 -0700

Human beings rarely see reality directly.

We see through lenses — stories we already believe, frameworks that organise complexity, expectations about how the world works. These lenses are useful. Without them, the world would be overwhelming. But they also come with a cost. Although they help us notice some things quickly, they also make other things surprisingly hard to see.

As you know, I've been speaking on the topic of men in recent years and the blindspot that society has when talking about them. One place this dynamic shows up clearly is in how society understands domestic abuse and sexual violence.

There is a powerful narrative around domestic abuse and sexual violence: men are typically the perpetrators and women the victims. There is a partial truth to this. Women are more likely to experience severe injury and repeat victimisation in abusive relationships.

However, when we step back and look carefully at the data, the reality is quite different to expectations.

What the data actually shows.

The most authoritative dataset in the UK is the Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW), published by the Office for National Statistics (ONS).

The most recent estimates suggest:

1.7 million people experienced domestic abuse in the last year

c. 1 million women
c. 699,000 men

That means around 40% of domestic abuse victims are male.

A similar pattern appears in U.S. data. The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), conducted by the CDC, shows on the topic of lifetime physical intimate partner violence:

Women: about 1 in 4 (≈25%)
Men: about 1 in 7 (≈14%)

However, the picture shifts when sexual victimisation categories are expanded. The CDC distinguishes...Read More

The Blind Spot in How We Frame Men’s Issues

Sun, 01 Feb 2026 01:23:11 -0800

There's something that I've been noticing and bothered by in how gender issues are talked about in policy, funding, and program design.

We don’t frame men’s issues the same way we frame women’s issues.

When women face certain issues, we’ve finally become good at first looking at the systemic and structural factors that contribute to them. Structural biases in power, access, legal protection, etc.

With men's issues though, I've been struck by how we take a different approach. We tend to look first at their behaviour and their norms. How men are raised. Masculinity expectations. Risk-taking. Reluctance to ask for help. And very often the explanation points to “patriarchy” or “toxic” male gender norms, which ends up putting the cause of the problem (in society's mind) close to the people experiencing it.

Same topic — issues that a certain gender faces — but two very different lenses.

This has a huge impact on how we think about the issues and how we deal with them (or not). Structural problems tend to draw institutional responses to support at a societal level. Men's issues tend to calls for mindset or behavioural changes in men themselves.

One gender gets protected funding and specialist services. The other gets told “Men need to change.”

This is a blind spot in our collective consciousness. And if the aim is to build a better future for all of us, blind spots need to be looked at and spoken about, rather than defending frameworks or gendered interests.

This pattern show up across multiple areas.

Take gender-based violence. The definition on paper is gender-neutral — violence based on someone's gender. In practice though (and specified even within the UN's SGD 5), the model, services, funding streams, and messaging are built almost exclusively around women as victims (and men as perpetrators). Male victims exist (and the data supports the existence of a substantial minority...Read More

Assumptions We Hold About Masculine Challenge

Mon, 24 Nov 2025 21:32:33 -0800

I want to share about something that happened at the gym a while back. It wasn’t super dramatic but recently I was reminded of it as I was reflecting on how easily assumptions get placed on men, even when they show up in their grounded masculine.

Covering a Session

As you know, my main occupation is a coach - executive coach, leadership coach, life coach. I’m also trained as a Level 1 CrossFit Coach (and co-own a small box in Phnom Penh), but it’s definitely a hobby more than a profession.

One time, I was asked to shadow a PT session to give my feedback on a personal trainer and the client - for the trainer's ongoing professional development. Although my experience in fitness coaching is limited, the thousands of hours working with people through personal coaching and mentoring other coaches allows me to see areas for growth from a coaching competency standpoint. She was a young trainer, but experienced and accomplished technically for her age.

Having observed the session, I shared that the trainer was, as expected, technically excellent but was perhaps being a bit too soft with the client. Not challenging her enough. Trusting the client’s “I can’t” rather than her actual capacity. Not directing the session enough when the client was dawdling. I encouraged the personal trainer to believe in the client's capacity and to not be afraid of being a bit more directive - all in service of the client.

Some time later, she asked me to cover a session with the same client. I don’t normally take PT sessions outside of my own gym, but I agreed as a favour. I did say clearly that if I covered the session, my style would be more challenging. Not forceful, not careless, but more demanding because I know it helps people. Both the trainer and client agreed.

The Comment That Stuck
Recently, I sat in a facilitator training where we were asked to say what we noticed about the makeup of the leadership team that was present. One participant remarked, “We need more women on the team.” As another participant quipped in agreement, "Hear hear!" I looked around perplexed: out of the ten leaders, four were men. There were murmurs of general agreement.

The comment landed the way it so often does these days: as a quick signal of virtue, a reflexive nod to the right side of history. But that moment hit me - one more in a series of moments I've been experiencing lately. I realised how automatic it’s become to assume that men are the ones who need to step back, even in spaces where they’re not the majority, even in spaces where they are an outnumbered and underrepresented minority.
On the surface, that comment was a call for gender balance, but I felt a sting. In that moment, our experiences as men – and the diversity (or lack thereof) among us – were overlooked, as if our presence didn’t count, wasn't valued. This left a lasting impression on me: How easily do men’s experiences get flattened into a stereotype, erased even in spaces meant to be inclusive? Where are all the men’s voices, and why do they so often go unheard? That anecdote is just one example. I understood the good intent – support women’s inclusion – yet it assumed any men present must inherently carry power and don’t need consideration. That the male presence is not valuable.
In leadership and development spaces, I’ve noticed that “gender issues” nearly always means women’s issues. Of course, championing women’s voices and leadership is crucial, as it addresses historic inequity and has many benefits. Yet, in focusing only on one side, we sometimes unintentionally silence or ignore the other. Men’s perspectives often...Read More

In Praise of Depth

Thu, 07 Aug 2025 00:15:58 -0700

We live in a culture addicted to speed and novelty. In the endless scroll of IG Reels and TikToks and the race to try the next big thing, it's easy to become a spiritual and intellectual dilettante - sampling everything but mastering nothing. We dabble in one philosophy today and another tomorrow, hoping something will click. Yet for all our flitting about, we rarely find the freedom or fulfillment we seek. Perhaps this is because, as Richard Rohr says, “before the truth sets you free, it tends to make you miserable.”

In other words, real truth and transformation often require discomfort and depth - exactly what our TikTok culture avoids.

Consider a few symptoms of our surface-level society:

TikTok spirituality – Spiritual wisdom distilled into <1min reels, offering quick inspiration with little context or contemplation. Complex traditions are reduced to catchy soundbites.
Rapid-fire coach certifications – Coaches collecting credentials like merit badges in a matter of days. There are so many programs that promise a certificate and a fool-proof process to change a client's life, but often only scratch the surface of true coaching mastery.
“Just trust your intuition” – A well-meaning mantra that can become an oversimplified escape hatch. A side effect of this is that many bypass study, discipline, or the uncomfortable work of self-reflection. (Intuition is vital, but wisdom teaches that true intuition is honed by deep knowledge, experience and reflection, not only...Read More

The Three Questions at the Heart of Every Coaching Journey

Sat, 02 Aug 2025 21:34:47 -0700

Coaches generally work with high performing clients: CEOs and other senior management - people who seem to “have it together.” Yet under the surface of any transformational coaching journey are these fundamental questions: Who am I? What do I want? What patterns are keeping me stuck?

The first two of these questions may sound overly abstract, simplistic or philosophical, but they remain powerful, practical and unresolved in so many of us. In a way, this is because they aren’t problems that can be solved once and for all - they are invitations to be revisited over a lifetime. As Søren Kierkegaard said, "Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."

My clients come to realise that that external success hasn’t automatically answered these deeper inquiries. As a coach, I’ve seen clients with impressive titles and accomplishments suddenly pause when confronted with one of these core questions. It’s both humbling and liberating at the same time. Theologians, philosophers, poets, and psychologists through the ages have grappled with these very themes, reminding us that the journey inward is just as crucial (and infinite) as the journey outward. We can spend years climbing a ladder, only to find it was leaning on the wrong wall. These questions help us re-align with what’s true.

Before diving into each question, it’s worth reflecting on why they persist even in people who are "successful", confident and capable. In my experience, even the most “put together” individuals carry unseen layers of doubt or longing. We evolve through stages of life, grow in consciousness and at each stage the answers to these questions shift. The ambitious 30-something entrepreneur might have answered “Who am I?” with a job title a decade ago, but at some point it no longer feels sufficient. The answers that satisfied our younger selves start to feel incomplete or lacking. And so these...Read More

The Work I’m Returning To

Tue, 29 Jul 2025 18:15:00 -0700

Over the past few years, I’ve kept coaching - just more quietly and dialling back the quantity.

After Thrive Conference in 2023, I needed space. It had been an honour to bring together leaders across sectors and provinces to speak about mental health and thriving in Cambodia. But it also left me drained - physically, emotionally, spiritually. I took a step back from the publicly eye, and focused on healing, exploring other parts of myself, and serving behind the scenes.

I still kept coaching. I trained. I grew. I helped Cambodian coaches connect with international mentors through our pilot Coach Match Program. I continued to work with a few long-term clients navigating complex transitions and initiate meaningful projects. I trained and mentored the next generation of coaches - one of whom is joining the CCI team full-time. I trained an entire school faculty in coaching skills to explore the impact of coaching on education. I trained a local church's leadership team in coaching skills to explore the impact of coaching in religion and community.

I kept doing the work. Just not loudly.

Now, I’m returning to the public eye - but not for the sake of it - not to make noise or for performance. I’m returning to what matters. I'm returning to the Core of what I do best.

If you're curious about what I offer now, there are four ways to work with me:

1. Back to Core