Coaches generally work with high performing clients: CEOs and other senior management - people who seem to “have it together.” Yet under the surface of any transformational coaching journey are these fundamental questions: Who am I? What do I want? What patterns are keeping me stuck?

The first two of these questions may sound overly abstract, simplistic or philosophical, but they remain powerful, practical and unresolved in so many of us. In a way, this is because they aren’t problems that can be solved once and for all - they are invitations to be revisited over a lifetime. As Søren Kierkegaard said, "Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."

My clients come to realise that that external success hasn’t automatically answered these deeper inquiries. As a coach, I’ve seen clients with impressive titles and accomplishments suddenly pause when confronted with one of these core questions. It’s both humbling and liberating at the same time. Theologians, philosophers, poets, and psychologists through the ages have grappled with these very themes, reminding us that the journey inward is just as crucial (and infinite) as the journey outward. We can spend years climbing a ladder, only to find it was leaning on the wrong wall. These questions help us re-align with what’s true.

Before diving into each question, it’s worth reflecting on why they persist even in people who are "successful", confident and capable. In my experience, even the most “put together” individuals carry unseen layers of doubt or longing. We evolve through stages of life, grow in consciousness and at each stage the answers to these questions shift. The ambitious 30-something entrepreneur might have answered “Who am I?” with a job title a decade ago, but at some point it no longer feels sufficient. The answers that satisfied our younger selves start to feel incomplete or lacking. And so these questions keep surfacing, asking us to go deeper. They have emotional, psychological, and spiritual weight. Let’s explore each one in turn, not with quick fixes or simplistic advice, but with the depth and nuance they - and you - deserve.

Who Am I?

“Who am I?” sits at the heart of every transformative journey. This is a question about identity. Many people reflexively answer with their roles: I am a CEO, a parent, a creative director. But as we peel back the labels and achievements, and the question gets far more tender: Who am I, really, when I’m not performing a role for others? I’ve sat with leaders who admit quietly, “I’m not sure who I am without my work.” I’ve seen emotions and uncertainty come up in the eyes of confident high-achievers when they touch that void of not knowing. For people going through career transitions (shifting careers, forced or intentional career breaks) or personal transitions (breakup, divorce, kids moving out), this question is often forced on them by life. This is not a lack of intellect or wisdom - it’s a sign of how much we all build our identities externally and how little time we dedicate to deeper inner exploration.

Psychologically, we develop personas to navigate the world - masks that win us approval, success, safety and seeming acceptance. Over a several years, those masks can merge with our skins. We become the dependable one, the high-achiever, the caretaker, the outgoing guy, or whatever other narrative we’ve followed. But those are just parts of us, not our whole essence. In deeper transformative coaching, we discover that there are many “parts” of us - each with its own voice and role. And beneath all those parts, there is a Core Self that persists. In quieter moments, you might sense it - a core part of you that is constant even as life changes, behind all the performance and masks you wear. Some spiritual traditions call this your True Self, what Franciscan writer Richard Rohr describes as “the face you had before you were born”. In other words, there is an original you - grounded, worthy, and whole - that existed before the world told you who to be. Reconnecting with that Core Self can be a profound experience.

For many, exploring the question “Who am I?” can bring up fear. It can feel like standing on shaky ground. If I’m not defined by my job, my roles, and my achievements, then what's left? Who am I, at my Core, if I take off the masks I wear and let go of the personas I've developed over the years? There might be grief as certain identities fall away, and vulnerability as new aspects of self come to light. Common barriers include fear of what you might find (“Am I anyone at all beneath the achievement?”) and fear of judgment (“Will others still value and accept me if I change?”). Often, there’s an ancient pain guarding the door to your true self - old messages of not being enough. In the body, this question can register as a heaviness in the chest or stomach or a tightening of the throat. Pay attention to your body now as you read this - notice how your body reacts as we begin to speak about who you really are.

In these moments, I might invite someone to sit with the discomfort, to literally breathe and feel what comes up. This isn’t a question the intellect can conquer, as much as my intelligent clients wishes it could. It’s one we live into. Sometimes a breakthrough comes as a gentle and almost sacred realisation. I recall a client, a senior corporate leader, who during a coaching session said softly, “I think… I’m a nurturer at heart, not a warrior.” They had been taught that being a leader meant being a hard-driving leader (the warrior), but their true nature longed to be more nourishing and developing of others (the nurturer). In realising this and saying it out loud, their whole presence changed - their shoulders dropped, their voice softened and slowed down. The client had touched something real in themselves. This is the kind of insight the question seeks.

Answering the question “Who am I?” is not an intellectual exercise. It’s like coming home to yourself. A shedding of false skins. It can feel raw, shaky, but also liberating, like finally exhaling after holding your breath for too long. As Carl Jung famously observed, “Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

In coaching, the work is to create a space where you can safely look inside and begin to awaken - to yourself. Little by little, you start to recognise yourself beyond the roles, masks and well-worn narratives. You realise, for instance, “I am compassionate,” “I am creative,” or “I am a child of God,” or whatever truth feels most fundamental - something that can't be taken away from you even if the outer circumstances change. Who you are is deeper than what you do. And knowing and honouring that truth changes everything. It becomes a compass for the rest of your journey.

What Do I Want?

As we answer the first question “Who am I?” the second “What do I want?” naturally emerges. This one often catches off-guard many of my new clients. You’d think high-achievers are clear on what they want - they have goals, plans, visions and missions right? But there are different levels to wanting. Once we have new answers to the first question, the answers you may have previously had about the second question will naturally then need to shift.

In coaching conversations, when I ask “What do you want?”, I often see a pause, a flash of uncertainty. It's almost as though they've never paused to ask this question before. Sometimes a client will give a well-rehearsed answer - I want my company to grow, I want financial freedom, I want to be healthy. Those are valid goals, but if we stay in that analytical place, we will usually endn up just skimming the surface. So I ask again: “What do you truly desire? What does your heart want? What would getting that thing mean for you?” And that’s when the deeper truth starts to emerge.

It’s remarkable how unaware and disconnected we are from our true desires. We get conditioned to want things that society, our family or our younger selves decided were important. We chase a promotion and a higher salary because everyone says this is what success is. We pursue a lifestyle because it’s supposed to be “the dream.” Yet the emotional reality might be that what we truly want is something entirely different. I worked many financially successful people that came to coaching because they felt burnt out, "off" and unmotivated. One client assumed that the goal was to find motivation to scale his company further. But when we peeled back the layers of why he was burnt out, a different want appeared. At one session he finally said, voice shaking, “I want to feel excited again. I want to feel at ease in myself - thath I'm worthy. I want to wake up looking forward to my day, not dreading it. I want to stop chasing achievements just to prove that I'm worthy” This was a breakthrough moment. The multi-million dollar "financial freedom" milestones he’d been aiming for were abstract and intellectual. What he truly desired was the feeling of aliveness, purpose and to feel deep inside that he was worthy and accepted. That realisation changed the entire direction of our coaching and also his life - within a year he had restructured his roles and businesses to focus on the work he loved, designing a life (present and future) that actually brought him joy, letting go of the shame-driven goals that drained him.

One reason this question can be so emotionally charged for some is that wanting makes us vulnerable. To want is to admit that there’s something that you long for, and that this will require you and your life to change. It’s much safer to stick with what you've always known and not yearn for more, especially when this is how you've always operated and achieved external "success" and financial comforts.

Many of us have an inner voice that says “You have no right to want that” or “What if you go after it and fail?” There can be guilt (“Is it selfish to want something just for me?”) or fear (“If I acknowledge this desire, I might have to change my comfortable life.”). So we push down the true wants and stick to "socially acceptable" (or what we assume are socially acceptable) ones. But those buried desires don’t actually disappear; they become sources of quiet despair or tension within us.

In exploring the question “What do I want?”, we also bring the body into the conversation. Our bodies are honest. Consider this: when you imagine wanting something deeply, how do you feel? Excitement shows up in the body, once we learn to listen to it again - maybe a fluttering in your stomach or a smile you can’t suppress. Conversely, if you state a goal that isn’t really yours deep down, you might feel your body go a bit numb or heavy - a lack of aliveness. I had one client who kept saying that they wanted to climb the corporate ladder. But every time they spoke of it, their voice was flat and posture slumped. When I pointed this out and invited them to take a deep breath and speak from their heart, a different want emerged. They admitted, almost in a whisper, “I want to write a book… I’ve always wanted that, but I’m afraid.” Their eyes lit up (with equal parts joy and terror) as they said it. That bodily shift - from slumped to alive - was undeniable. The truth of what we want often can be found in the body before the mind allows it.

Another tool we use in coaching is something we call Visioning. I often encourage clients to create an unfiltered list - If there were truly no limits or judgments, what do you want? It’s incredible what comes out when the usual rules or limitations we set ourselves. One client discovered that what she really wanted was rest - deep rest, for a time - something she never would have “officially” put as a goal, but it was the honest answer. One male client in a very driven start up environment admitted that he wanted to feel more connected to his loved ones, to be a more loving partner - though he had initially come to coaching for help with making better business decisions. Often, when the real desires came out so did tears. That’s how we often know we've hit on something real - it’s often accompanied by a surge of emotion or a sense of coming alive.

In the context of desire, this means stop living someone else’s script. Your life is not meant to be a copy of your parents’ lives, your friends' lives, or Elon Musk's life or even the life you imagined 5, 10 or 20 years ago. Unfold your own myth. What do you want, independent of what anyone else expects? This can be scary, yes, but it’s also profoundly freeing. When you claim your authentic desires, you start writing a story that actually fits you.

One fascinating (and hopeful) aspect of this journey is that when someone truly clarifies what they want, the world often responds. I’ve seen it time and again: align your life with a genuine desire, and opportunities begin to appear as if out of nowhere. It’s as though life was waiting for you to say yes to your path. Rumi expresses this mystery simply: “What you seek is seeking you.”

In other words, your deepest dreams are not arbitrary; they pull on you for a reason. They are intertwined with your purpose, with what life wants to express through you. When you finally say “This is what I really want,” you might find that the support, resources, or people you need have been circling all along, waiting to meet you and support you on this journey. I know this may sound very mystical or spiritual to those unfamiliar, but I’ve witnessed it enough to believe it (and there's enough psychological or "hard science" rationale to explain this). A client who got clear on wanting to move into a more humanitarian career suddenly started meeting people in that field who offered guidance. Another who dared to want love and a family after years of bad relationships found himself introduced (by pure “chance”) to someone who became very important to him. Another who finally decided they wanted to pursue a career in helping others as a coach and healer suddenly were given resources and networks to make this a possibility. It’s as if our unspoken wants create a kind of drag on our lives, and when we finally speak them, things accelerate (see my other blog post from years ago about the power of speaking out your dreams - this is how Cambodia Coaching Institute was born).

The breakthroughs in this realm are often marked by a surge of energy or clarity. I often hear clients say after a session, “I haven’t felt this energised in a long time,” even if nothing external has yet changed. Just naming what you really want is a powerful act. It’s the moment you stop betraying your true self. From there, we figure out the how, a very important but later step. Aligning with your desire provides a kind of North Star. It makes decision-making easier (does this choice bring me closer to what I truly want, or not?) It also provides motivation that is intrinsic. You’re no longer dragging yourself through tasks out of obligation; you’re moving with the flow of something that matters to you.

Of course, big wants often demand big changes. That can be daunting. There may be very practical obstacles to navigate. But once the inner truth is on the table, everything shifts. You can’t quite go back to pretending the old goals satisfy you. And that’s a good thing. It’s the start of an authentic life, one where desire isn’t a dirty word but a guiding force. I often end this phase of coaching with a sense of spaciousness - the client has more room to breathe and dream. They have permission to want what they want. From that place, real creative planning can begin.

In summary, asking “What do I want?” in a deep way is not about being selfish or indulgent; it’s about being honest. Honest with yourself about the life that would truly fulfill you, rather than the life others might approve of. It takes courage to ask this question, and even more to act on it. But the alternative - living a life built on unchecked assumptions or others’ expectations - is a recipe for regret and an unfulfilling life. When you tap into your true wants, you tap into a well of vitality. You start moving in a direction that is in alignment with who you are. And when who you are and what you want line up, you become incredibly powerful and alive.

What Patterns Are Keeping Me Stuck?

By this point, you might have a clearer sense of who you are and what you want. These realisations are gold. But knowing these things doesn’t automatically translate into changing their lives. This is where the third question comes in: “What patterns are keeping me stuck?” In other words, What inner barriers or recurring behaviors keep me from moving forward? It’s a question about freedom - because once you see a pattern and loosen its hold, you gain freedom to grow. Until then, it can feel like you’re wrestling the same demon over and over, whether that demon is procrastination, self-doubt, workaholism, people-pleasing, or any number of self-sabotaging cycles.

In coaching sessions, this often surfaces as a frustrating awareness: “I know what I need to do, but I just don’t do it.” or “Why do I keep ending up in the same situation?” One client of mine, an entrepreneur, noticed a pattern of burning out with each venture. He’d start off strong, pour his soul into a project, and then hit a wall of exhaustion and quit, only to start the cycle again with a new idea. Intellectually, he knew better than to overwork, but something in him was driving this repetitive behavior. Another client saw a pattern in her relationships - she kept choosing partners who didn’t value her, replaying an old story from childhood. Recognising a pattern is the first step; understanding it and transforming it is the real work.

Patterns usually have deep roots. They often originate as survival strategies or coping mechanisms from a previous stage in life. For example, always saying “yes” to people (even when it harms you) might have started in childhood when being agreeable kept you safe or loved. Overworking might be a pattern driven by an old belief that “I am only worthy when I achieve” - perhaps instilled by early academic or parental pressure. These strategies worked for us at some point, and got us to where we're at now, which is why part of us holds onto them and doesn't want to let go. But at some point, they can become the very things that imprison us (see What Got You Here Won't Get You There - Marshall Goldsmith). The key is to approach them not with self-judgment (“Here I go again, why am I like this?”) but with curiosity and compassion: “I wonder why this pattern is here? What is it trying to protect or achieve for me?”

One helpful concept here is from Jungian psychology and parts work (like IFS): the idea that what we don’t make conscious will control us. Jung puts it very directly: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Our patterns are often unconscious, or at least semi-conscious. We might see the effects (e.g. “I’m stuck in my career again” or “Here I am in another toxic relationship”), but we don’t see the inner programming that keeps running. Coaching provides a space to bring those patterns into the light. We start noticing, in real time, how they operate. For instance, a client might catch themselves deflecting praise in the session (“Oh, it was nothing, really”) and we pause to recognise a pattern of discounting their worth. Or someone notices that every time they talk about a bold new idea, they giggle or make a joke - perhaps a pattern of playing small or not taking their own dreams seriously. These little awarenesses are crucial, because once you see the pattern, you’re no longer completely trapped inside of it. You have a choice.

Once again, embodiment work is crucial. Patterns often live in the body as tension, postures, or impulses. In coaching, we pay attention to these signals. For example, a pattern of anxiety might come with a tight chest and shallow breath whenever you face a challenge, leading you to avoid the challenge. A pattern of anger might start as a heat rising in your chest or stomach, leading you to lash out and then regret it. By becoming aware of these sensations, clients learn to catch the pattern earlier. One client of mine learned that before he’d compulsively agree to any new request at work (even when overwhelmed), he’d feel a knot in his stomach - a sign of dread he usually ignored. That knot was his body saying, “This is too much, you don’t really want to say yes.” Once he tuned into it, he began pausing when he felt it, and practiced saying, “Let me get back to you,” buying time to decide more mindfully. Eventually, he even learned to say “no” gracefully. This was a huge shift for someone whose stuck pattern was over-commitment and subsequent burnout. The body was an ally in breaking the cycle.

Sometimes, our patterns are not just ours. They are influenced by the systems we’re part of. You might be carrying a pattern that runs in your family (e.g. where the women in the family all ignore their own needs or the men in the family all dealt with stress by drinking). Or perhaps your workplace culture reinforces a pattern (like constant urgency, feeding your workaholism). It’s important to see these connections, because it brings a sense of context and can help to reduce self-blame. You realise that, “Oh, this isn’t just me being ‘weak’ - this is a whole pattern that was taught to me, and I'm being constantly influenced by the system I'm in.” And if it was learned, it can be unlearned. As we work together in coaching, my clients sometimes even symbolically “give back” a pattern that isn’t ours (for example, saying out aloud, “Mum, this need to always sacrifice myself - I realise it started with you, and I’m handing it back with love.”) That might sound woo-woo, but it can be a powerful inner shift, freeing you to choose a new way. In conjunction with such symbolic and embodied rituals, we help clients design a more supportive system around them, so that they can resist falling back into the patterns in the systems they operate in. This could be in the form of support groups with other clients or friends.

One of the biggest barriers in confronting our stuck patterns is shame. Once we see a pattern clearly, especially if it’s caused pain, we often go into self-criticism: “How could I be so stupid to do this again and again?” It’s critical to meet that moment with compassion. Shame always drives the pattern deeper underground and even perpetuates this pattern (see Positve Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine). I often remind clients (and myself) that every person has their version of this. You’re not alone in repeating unhelpful behaviors - this is a very human thing. We all have our negative cycles. In fact, this is part of what makes coaching such sacred work to me: two humans sitting together, looking at these sticky, tender places, without judgment, with an attitude of “Let’s look at this together.” When that safety and curiosity is present, real change can happen.

A breakthrough in this phase often looks like a burst of insight followed by a series of small experiments. Insight alone isn’t enough; you have to do something different to truly break a pattern. For example, one client of mine had the insight that his pattern of perfectionism (which kept him procrastinating on launching his book) came from a childhood where love was conditional on achievement. That was a huge realization - he saw how he’d internalised the message that “It’s never good enough.” The next step was to act against that pattern.

We set a challenge: he would share an imperfect draft of his writings with a small group of trusted friends by certain dates. When the set dates came, he felt the familiar panic and the urge to delay (the pattern exerting itself), but this time he recognised that this is the old fear trying to protect me. He took a deep breath and hit send on the draft email. The world didn’t end! In fact, his friends’ feedback was wonderfully supportive and helpful. That action, though small, was revolutionary for him. It proved that the grip of perfectionism could be weakened. He described feeling “a weight off my chest” and also a bit of grief, realising how many years he’d lost to that pattern.

That’s another thing - breaking patterns can come with grief. You might mourn the time lost or the pain endured. When you realise that, for instance, you’ve been choosing the same kind of unavailable partner for your whole life due to an unresolved parental wound, it can hurt to confront that. It’s okay to feel that sorrow. It’s part of the healing. But once we have given sufficient time and space to grieve, we don’t linger there - because the very fact that you see it now means you’re ready to move forward. Every moment before this was the incubation; now you’re hatching into a new phase of life.

The patterns that keep us stuck are often rooted in pain - pain we perhaps didn’t fully face or process in the past. If we don’t face it, we end up spreading that pain around (hurting others, repeating cycles, limiting ourselves). But if we do face it and work through it, we transform it into something powerful: wisdom, compassion, freedom. I’ve seen clients take generational patterns - like a family history of silence around trauma and abuse - and break the chain forever by choosing to heal and speak up. They become, as we sometimes say, “cycle breakers.” It’s incredibly inspiring. And it often influences more than just their own lives; their children, their colleagues, their community feel the effects of this new way of being.

So, what does it feel like when a sticky pattern finally loosens its hold? In a word: empowering. People often report feeling lighter, like they have more options than they realised. There’s a growing sense of self-trust, because over time you prove to yourself that you can handle the discomfort of change. For instance, the people-pleasing client who dared to set a boundary felt not only relief but a surge of self-respect: “I can protect my time and it’s okay.” The procrastinating writer felt proud and excited: “I’m actually doing this, even if it’s not perfect.” These moments might seem ordinary from the outside, but internally they represent huge shifts. A whole new world of possibility opens up when you break a pattern that once confined you.

It’s important to note that these patterns often will resurface. They’re deeply engrained habits, and habits take time to fully rewire. So the work becomes an ongoing practice of awareness and adjustment. Slipping up occasionally isn’t failure; it’s just part of the process. Over time, with support and persistence, the new ways become the norm, and the old pattern feels more and more distant.

In the end, “What patterns are keeping me stuck?” is a question of liberation. It shines light on the shackles so we can unlock them. It might be the toughest question, because it forces us to confront our own responsibility in our suffering (which is hard), but it’s also extremely hopeful, because it means we have the power to change our experience. When we stop blaming fate or others and see our own hand in the script, we can rewrite it. It’s challenging work, yes, but it’s some of the most worthwhile work one can do.

Coming Home: An Invitation

These three questions - Who am I? What do I want? What patterns are keeping me stuck? - are at the heart of transformative coaching. They might sound basic, but as we’ve explored, each one opens profound depths. Even as I write this, these questions are alive in me too, right now, as a coach, as a fellow human. They are not one-time puzzles to solve, but lifelong companions. At different stages, we hear them echo in new ways. Answering them isn’t about arriving at a neat conclusion, but about becoming more authentic, more free, and more whole.

I want to invite you to take a moment and reflect: Where are you in relation to these questions? Perhaps one of them jumps out at you more than the others. Do you feel clear on who you are, but uncertain what you really want? Or do you have a vision of what you want, but feel stuck in patterns you can’t break? Maybe all three are present, each in different ways. Wherever you are, it’s okay. There is no “wrong” place to be on this journey. The very fact that you are reading and pondering these questions means you are already in a process of growth and awakening.

You might even close your eyes for a moment and gently ask yourself: Who am I? Notice what thoughts, images, or feelings arise. No need to judge them, just observe. Then ask inside, What do I want? See where your mind and heart go - maybe you visualise a different life, or maybe a simple word arises like “peace” or “connection.” Lastly, ask, What’s keeping me stuck? Notice if any memories, fears, or bodily sensations come up. These are all clues from your deeper self, hints to follow rather than definitive answers. Over time, living into them brings answers.

There’s also a practical invitation here. If, in this exploration, you find yourself longing for change or clarity that feels just out of reach, consider seeking partnership on the journey. Transformational coaching is, at its core, a partnership for this very purpose. It’s a space dedicated to you and your growth, where these questions can be explored in a focused, supportive way. In my own practice, I have the honor of walking alongside leaders, creatives, founders - people with bold outer lives who are brave enough to do the inner work too. We delve into questions like these not to navel-gaze, but to unlock real transformation that ripples through their work, relationships, and well-being.

This is not a sales pitch; coaching isn’t right for everyone, and timing matters. It’s important, as I often say, to honor your own readiness. But if your heart is stirred and you feel ready to go deeper, know that help is available - whether with me or another skilled coach or mentor you resonate with. You don’t have to navigate the path alone. Sometimes having a seasoned guide or simply a compassionate witness can make all the difference. It’s like having a climbing partner for the mountains inside you: someone who knows the terrain, carries some extra rope, and believes in your ability to reach the summit safely.

Ultimately, this journey of self-inquiry is one of the greatest adventures you can undertake. It can be as harrowing as it is beautiful, as full of mystery as it is of discovery. It returns you to parts of yourself you may have lost along the way, and it empowers you to step into the life you actually want to live, rather than the one you were on autopilot for. It’s a journey of coming home - to you.

So, I leave you with a gentle call to action: give yourself permission to engage these questions. Journal about them, talk about them with a trusted friend, or just sit quietly with them in the early morning. Be curious. Be kind to yourself in the process. Notice what sparks of insight or feeling flicker when you dare to ask, “Who am I? What do I want? What’s keeping me stuck?” These are signals from the deeper current of your life. Follow them, and they will guide you closer to your true north.

And if as you follow them you feel the need for a fellow traveler, reach out. It would be my privilege to walk with you for a stretch, to support and challenge and encourage you as needed. In the end, your journey is unique - your own myth unfolding, your own answers emerging. May courage and compassion accompany you along the way.

Wherever you are in your journey, know that these questions are doors to a more authentic life. They may not always yield easy answers, but they will always invite you toward growth. Step through the door when you’re ready. The path may just transform you.